Memorandum-02
CLEARANCE GRANTED… WELCOME, AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL…
The voice of the Database was provided by Joshua Alan Lindsay.
SCP-049-J SCRIPT BASED ON ORIGINAL ENTRY BY djkaktus [CC BY-SA 3.0].
The voice of SCP-049-J was provided by Joshua Alan Lindsay.
The voice of Dr. Baker was provided by Lillian Boyd.
Document #: M-02
Memorandum
1.
The SCP Foundation Database is now also accessible via Spotify and Stitcher to those with proper clearance credentials. If any personnel are so inclined, they are invited to submit a rating or review of the Database on the channel of their choosing. Doing so will simultaneously increase the Database’s visibility among those cleared to utilize those channels, and boost the maintenance staff’s fragile morale.
2.
A message from O5 Command: Investigations are ongoing into the containment breaches of SCP-005 and SCP-029. If any personnel have any information regarding either incident, they are hereby ordered to contact security. Those found to be withholding information will be summarily terminated following interrogation.
3.
Personnel who wish to do so are invited to become a supporter of the Database on Patreon, in exchange for varying levels of further access to the Database archives. For example, those who pledge 3 USD or more per month will gain access to the so-called “Joke” SCP object briefings that were uploaded to the Database without authorization by Dr. [REDACTED] prior to her removal from archival duties. An audio log from one such briefing, SCP-049-J, a 049 parody released to Patrons as the November 2019 installment of the monthly series, is included here as a sample:
Addendum 049-J.1: Interview
<BEGIN LOG>
Dr. Baker: Hello SCP-049-J, welcome to-
SCP-049-J: I am a doctor.
Dr. Baker: -uh, yes, I’m aware. We’re just doing this as a-
SCP-049-J: I have the cure.
Dr. Baker: (Pauses) …yes, well, we’ll get to that. First off, can you tell me your name?
SCP-049-J: Yes hmm quite very well I have the cure good sir indubitably yes I am a doctor.
Dr. Baker: …what?
SCP-049-J: Bring me to the patient, I will heal them. (Gestures with pointed doctor stick)
Dr. Baker: Jesus, watch- fuck, watch where you’re swinging that.
SCP-049-J: I am the cure.
Dr. Baker: What in the world are you- ohh, I get it. You’re sort of a moron, aren’t you?
SCP-049-J: No good sir I am most effective. I mean, my cure. I am the cure. Very effective. The most. Because I am a doctor.
Dr. Baker: Right, we were going to look into that. Let’s, uh- (gestures for assistants)
Two researchers wheel in a patient on a table.
Dr. Baker: So this patient-
SCP-049-J: (Sniff) -has the pestilence yes mmmmmmm I can smell it.
Dr. Baker: …has a sore throat. We were wondering if you know of any cures to fix her ailments.
SCP-049-J: I… (pauses) yes, of course. I am a doctor after all. (Subject begins to dig around in their doctor bag for some time.)
Dr. Baker: Need any help over there?
SCP-049-J: NO! (Muttering) He is not the cure. I am the cure. (Pauses) Ah, yes. This will do the trick.
Dr. Baker: That is a shoe.
SCP-049-J: Yes.
Dr. Baker: That will heal this person?
SCP-049-J: It is the cure.
Dr. Baker: Alright, go ahead.
SCP-049-J proceeds to gesture dramatically over the patient before violently beating the patient’s throat with a shoe.
Dr. Baker: Whoa, fuck! What are you doing? How is this supposed to help?
SCP-049-J: (Shrieking incoherently)
After a moment, the entity stops. The patient lies mutilated and dead on the tabletop.
Dr. Baker: …what the fuck was that?
SCP-049-J: (Dramatic gesture) Patient is healed.
Dr. Baker: What? No she’s not! You just crushed her throat with a shoe!
SCP-049-J: No patient is very well now yes I am the cure.
Dr. Baker: Look at all this blood! Moral atrocities aside this is going to take hours to clean up! You just killed a person!
SCP-049-J: No they are cured yes watch (Grabs the corner of the patient’s mouth and begins to move it while speaking out of the corner of his own.) Hello yes I am the patient good sir and I am cured most effective thank you doctor you did a good job you are the best doctor mmhmm mmhmm.
Dr. Baker: Now look here, I see your hand down there. I know that isn’t the patient talking. What is this supposed to be?
SCP-049-J: (Pauses) Uh. (Pauses) Oh look, more pestilence over there. (Points behind Dr. Baker)
Dr. Baker: (Turns to look) What? Whe- oh for fucks sake he’s gone again. God dammit.
<END LOG>
The Database maintenance staff would like to thank new patrons Andrew M, Martin Taylor, Raymond Duke, Robert Curry, Stephanie Martin, and Toby Crow. If any other personnel would like to expand their access to the Database to include Joke SCPs, audio log outtakes, et cetera, or if they would like the opportunity to request that an object briefing on a specific SCP be made available, they may follow the link in the description to visit patreon.com/thescpfoundationdatabase.
