SCP-5740 - all cop are buddy by dado
CLEARANCE GRANTED… WELCOME, AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL…
SCRIPT BASED ON ORIGINAL ENTRY BY djkaktus [CC BY-SA 3.0].
The voice of the Database was provided by Joshua Alan Lindsay.
The voice of dado was provided by Joshua Alan Lindsay.
The voice of the Agent was provided by Raymond Duke.
Item #: SCP-5740
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Foundation assets are to identify, locate and shutter all instances of SCP-5740. Individuals affected by instances of SCP-5740-A are to be remanded to Site-57 for analysis and medical treatment.
Description: SCP-5740 is a series of pop-up restaurants that appeared in the ██████████, █████████ area starting on June 5th, 2020. The restaurants are small, cubical structures with no discernible openings save for a small metal chute next to a touchscreen interface on, presumably, the front side of the structure. The entire remaining surface of the building is covered in advertisements for the building itself. These ads identify the restaurants as "dado-nuts by dado".
Gathering from the advertisements on the exterior of the various instances of SCP-5740, as well as from television advertisements that were purchased to run in the area at the time, SCP-5740 is a stand-up donut shop that advertises specifically to members of local law enforcement. In contrast to the supportive tone of many of the advertisements, the donuts (hereafter identified as SCP-5740-A) are not conducive to human health.
When a member of law enforcement approaches SCP-5740, a jingle will begin to play from within the structure. Afterwards, the touchscreen interface will activate, encouraging the individual to press a red button on screen to receive a donut. Once this is done, an instance of SCP-5740-A will drop out of the metal chute.
Note that instances of SCP-5740-A only generate when SCP-5740 is activated by members of law enforcement. SCP-5740 will still activate when others approach, but will typically drop non-anomalous donuts of varying shapes and designs based on the person's profession. A full list of known deviations is available below:
| Subject | Outcome |
|---|---|
| Civilian | Glazed donut |
| Healthcare worker | Donut with white frosting and red cross sprinkles |
| EMT | Donut with chocolate frosting and a bottle of Gatorade |
| Firefighter | Donut with red frosting and blue water droplet sprinkles |
| National Guard | Cake donut with the word "behave" written across it in red frosting |
| Law Enforcement | SCP-5740-A |
The effects of SCP-5740-A are typically not observed until roughly 4-6 hours post-consumption. Affected individuals will briefly experience stomach discomfort and bloating, followed by extreme diarrhea. Immediately afterwards, the subject will begin to excrete a domesticated pig (Sus domesticus) from their rectum. How this animal, which is otherwise non-anomalous, manifests within the subject's bowels is currently poorly understood.
How the size of the excreted hog is determined is a point of ongoing discussion among SCP-5740 researchers. While there appears to be no correlation between the size of the animal and the size of the subject, there does appear to be at least a mild relationship between the size of the animal and the disciplinary record of the subject. Officers with fewer disciplinary offenses or who had commendations for service to their community typically excrete smaller hogs. However, those with records that indicate they have been the subject of disciplinary action, or who have taken actions in their line of work that should warrant disciplinary action, regardless of whether or not they were disciplined, are more likely to excrete hogs of considerably larger sizes.
Despite the vast disparity in some cases between the size of the excreted hog and the size of the subject's anus, the bodies of affected individuals are anomalously capable of passing the swine, though not without effort. In many cases, the act of passing a 180-226 kg (four- to five-hundred-pound) hog can take many hours and be excruciatingly painful for the affected individual. This, coupled with the fact that the hogs in question are almost always panicked upon their formation within the rectum, often results in the process being extremely traumatic for both the subject and the excreted hog.
The traumatized anuses and rectums of affected subjects will eventually recover and return to their pre-anomalous state, typically over the course of several weeks and with medical therapy. However, to date no subject who has passed a hog larger than 20kg has ever fully regained complete control over their sphincter.
Addendum 5740.1: Communication with POI "dado"
Shortly after the discovery of the first instance of SCP-5740, it was also discovered that the touchscreen interface could be manipulated to reveal an intercom interface. This interface appears to be solely for processing refunds; however, a large sign just above the interface boldly states "no refunds".
Using this interface, Foundation agents attempted to communicate with the POI "dado".
<BEGIN LOG>
dado: Hello, yes, this is dado-nut customer servicings, where you can get that nut you crave. How can I be of helpings you?
Agent: Is this dado?
dado: No, dado is tell you that this dado-nut customer servicings. Here is where you get servicings of dado-nut fine donut shop. You need help with nut?
Agent: No, I’m a reporter with a local newspaper, trying to write a story about your fine donut shops. Is there somewhere we could meet?
dado: Dado is currently not do publicity shoot for dado-nut business, as you see dado is very important businessmen with very many business venture. But dado is happy to answer question, if you have them.
Agent: That would be helpful, yes. We noticed that your stores don't appear to have any openings. How do they work?
dado: Hmmm, unfortunately, this is dado trade secret. You see dado is use special dado-brand technology to be sending only highest quality dado-nut to all location of dado-nut fine stores.
Agent: Is there anything inside the stores?
dado: (pause) Dado is beginning to think you is attempting to swindle dado by confiscation of dado technologies.
Agent: No no, nothing like that. Different question. Some of your donuts seem to cause certain… health problems with law enforcement officers. Why is that?
dado: Dado is not knowings what you are talking about.
Agent: You haven't noticed that your donuts make policemen shit pigs?
dado: Hmm, no, dado is not hearing this. Very strange. Dado does not know why it would be pig. That is being very random, dado is thinking. How very strange, indeed, says dado.
Agent: So, so this isn't any kind of political statement?
dado: No no, see, dado is of enlightened centrism! Dado only want to grill and sell fine dado grill products.
Agent: I have a hard time believing that.
dado: It is true. Certainly is having nothing to do with dado seeing peoples on dado television (now on sale at dado electronics mart and fish emporiums) being smack about by police. No sir, says dado. Nothing to do with so many fine dado customer being harass and threaten and beat upon by police. Dado certainly is feeling no obligation for dado to come to defense of consumerbase. Dado certainly is not taking stand against fine local policemen, only sell upon policemen some fine dado-nut. All policemen like dado nut.
Agent: You're being sarcastic, I'm sure.
dado: If you say so. However, dado does not know who this Mr. Sarcastic is. Dado is only purveyor of fine business and excellent salesman, like the Bezos or 420 Elon.
Agent: Alright. One last question. You're obviously trying to target dirty cops or something, but some of the people affected by your products are good cops. Why are you going after them, too?
dado: Hmmm. Dado is of thinking. Oh, yes, dado is rememberings. Is because pig is pig, no matter how small.
Agent: I see. Very well.
dado: Thank you again for contact dado-nut customer servicings. You have nice day, Foundationman.
Agent: What was that?
dado: (silence)
Agent: Hello?
(loud pig noises. Call ends)
<END LOG>
Addendum 5740.2: Ongoing Containment Attempts
During the tear-down of one instance of SCP-5740 (the interior of which was revealed to be empty), Agent Derek Mills accidentally pressed the button on SCP-5740, which produced an instance of SCP-5740-A from within the structure. A small piece of paper was stuck into the donut, which read as follows:
| subject | outcomings |
|---|---|
| foundationman who is assault dado business | dado special blend |
The SCP-5740-A instance in question was revealed to be a stale donut with a bitter frosting. The frosting was later revealed to be 92% guinea pig feces by weight.
