Quaran-tainment, Episode 3 - “A Vulcan Adopts a Cat”
by Azzandra and bartfargo
1st half based on posts that are copyright ©2019 by Azzandra. Used with Permission.
2nd half based on posts that are copyright ©2019 by bartfargo. Used with Permission.
View, like, and reblog the original work on Tumblr. Give Azzandra kudos on Archive of Our Own.
The voice of the Narrator was provided by Joshua Alan Lindsay.
The voice of T'Pen was provided by Brittany Carlton.
The voice of Shelter Employee 1 was provided by Romeo Rosales, Jr.
The voice of Shelter Employee 2 was provided by Oktober Crow.
The voice of Vulcan Coworker was provided by Breck Wilhite.
The voice of Human Coworker was provided by Christian Jasper.
The voice of Vulcan Commander was provided by Lisa Hogan.
So, this Vulcan, T’Pen, goes to a shelter and gets a cat, and the shelter employees are like, a bit weirded out? But obviously they’re going to give her a cat, I mean, she’s a Vulcan, she’s Super Responsible, she takes all the pamphlets and listens attentively to all the advice the shelter employees give her, even though it is obvious she researched a lot on her own.
Then T’Pen asks the shelter folks what she should name the cat and runs into That Thing Humans Do Where They Confound a Vulcan With Their Weird Ways:
Shelter Employee 1: Oh, you can name a cat anything! That’s what’s great! People names, common nouns, whole phrases,
Shelter Employee 2: Yeah, nothing sounds weird on a cat. Everything from Chad to Cupboard is fair game.
SE 1: Yeah. I mean, you can’t call a dog Chad, that would be weird.
SE 2: I wouldn’t fuckin’ trust anyone who named their dog Chad.
SE 1: oh word
T’Pen: …
T’Pen: …fascinating.
Later, in the interest of furthering her anthropological study of Earth, T’Pen has a house party and she invites her coworkers, many of whom are human, but others which are aliens and are fascinated by T’Pen’s cat, including a fellow Vulcan:
Vulcan: T’Pen, what have you named this small Earth feline?
T’Pen: I have named him Marmalade.
Vulcan: Is that not the name of a type of Terran fruit preserve? I do not understand the logic behind this choice.
T’Pen: The logic is self-evident to a human.
Human: T’Pen, omg, you have a cat! What’s his name?
T’Pen: Thank you for your inquiry. His name is Marmalade.
Human: Oooh! yeah, that makes sense, because he’s orange and sweet! lmao, great name.
Vulcan: …
Vulcan: …fascinating.
Still later, T’Pen is on her lunch break when her human coworker stops to say hi:
Human: So, how’s Marmalade?
T’Pen: He has the peculiar habit of walking on my workstation.
Human: Aggravating, isn’t it?
T’Pen: We Vulcans do not feel human emotions. However, I would prefer it if Marmalade stayed off my workstation, particularly when I am working.
Human: Get a box.
T’Pen: Murdering Marmalade seems an overreaction.
Human: No, you need a box with interior dimensions approximately the same as Marmalade’s body, and set it on the floor next to your workstation. Marmalade will sit in the box.
T’Pen: Why do you believe that this will work for Marmalade?
Human: We don’t know. It’s just something cats do. If he fits, he sits.
T’Pen: …fascinating.
Human: (walking away) I’ll see you later.
T’Pen: (begins eating)
Vulcan Commander: T’Pen, you are posting videos of your cat. Explain.
T’Pen: My colleagues are amused and entertained by Marmalade’s interactions with his environment. I am amused and entertained by their reactions as reflected in the comments.
Commander: (reading) “U haz done me a startle”?
T’Pen: Some of them like to verbalize what they believe are Marmalade’s thought processes. He is a cat, so they imagine that he does not grasp human spelling and grammar.
Commander: …Fascinating. As you were.
T’Pen: (returning to her meal) Now I can haz lunch.
